Beyond the Blame Game

Have you considered going to couples therapy? Do you even know what you would be working on? No matter if you are interested in couples therapy to address previous relationship hurts or to strengthen your relationship, couples therapy can provide support in exploring and navigating concerns consciously.  

Modern culture would have you believe that starting couples therapy is all about getting the opportunity to vent and blame your partner for what they are or aren't doing and expecting the therapist to pick sides. I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news. This is what does not happen. No, sir or ma'am! I am not a mediator! Fortunately, the good news is that couples therapy is more about better understanding the dynamics of the relationship and less about who's right and who's wrong.

When working with me as a therapist, my passion is helping get clients to get unstuck. One of the first things you'll do is establish what your goals are. What do you want to happen? You could be asked to be curious about this in several ways:

• What are your best hopes?

• What are you hoping to get out of starting couples therapy?

• What type of relationship do you want to create?

• What do you want to start doing? What do you want to stop doing? Paint me a picture.  

To push it a bit further, some questions I've asked couples are similar to this. Think about goals this way:

• I'm wondering if you could elaborate on why this is important to you?

• Why do you want this to be a part of your life?

However, when I work with couples, the therapy goals need to be autonomous -meaning self-directed, and self-focused. Based on the model I use The Developmental Model, each partner is in charge of how they want to show up and make changes in the relationship. It's not about what your partner wants you to do. If you don't have goals for yourself to create change – that's not therapy. If it's other focused, that's not a goal for you, that's a goal for them. I can't change another person and YOU can't change another person. Your partner will have to change for themselves. Ultimately, what I've found is this: Working on yourself will change your partner and your relationship - if your goals are based on what you want you can change.

Knowing what you're working towards – knowing what in the world you're going to be doing is so critical to avoid staying on a hamster wheel! Essentially, the goals created are the foundation of a solid road map to your destination.

Got questions? Leave a comment! Let’s talk!